Ex-lovers won't let go of past

Dear Zazz: "Rick" and I have been dating for four months, andwe've quickly become very serious. We're both in our mid-20s.

A few months before we met, Rick ended an engagement with"Cheryl," whom he'd dated for four years. He says he's absolutely nolonger interested in her.

The problem is that Cheryl finds every possible reason to call orsee Rick. For instance, when a mutual friend came to town, shedemanded that they both have dinner with him. If something happensin her personal life, Rick is the one she calls.

Rick tells me that he and Cheryl are just good friends. When Icomplain about his encounters and conversations with her, he says I'mbeing unreasonable. He says if I trusted him, I wouldn't make a bigdeal about this.

I told him it's not normal for ex-lovers to carry on like this.His response: "Well, I'm not normal." Am I overreacting?

DOESN'T LIKE IT

Dear Doesn't: If Cheryl needs a best friend, Rick is the wrongcandidate. And if Rick needs a friend, he should be turning to you,not her.

Almost certainly, Cheryl has ulterior motives: She wants to re-establish the relationship. Rick may think he's involved in a simple"friendship," but he's deceiving himself.

In almost all cases, it's a mistake to remain good friends with aformer fiancee, especially when there's a new love (like you) in thepicture.

If Rick insists on being Cheryl's pal, even though you find itdisturbing, then he's being disrespectful to you, and he's notputting his relationship with you first. That's a bad sign.

One more observation: When people, especially lovers, give usinsights into themselves - saying things like "I'm not normal" - weought to listen to them and believe them. Rick is telling you thatif you want a relationship with him, don't expect rational,appropriate behavior. Take that as a serious warning sign.

Dear Zazz: My 10-year high school reunion is coming up, and Idon't want to go. I made this decision the day after graduation. Myclassmates never were nice to me, and I've never forgotten how theytreated me.

I have an etiquette question: Do I have to RSVP my regrets to thereunion committee or can I ignore their invitation?

STILL REMEMBERS

Dear Still: One great thing about being out of high school: You'reallowed to skip things without getting a doctor's note or a writtenexcuse from your mother. Sure, you can skip the reunion withoutacknowledging the invitation. You can even send it back with "returnto sender" scrawled across the envelope if that'll make you feelbetter.

Of course, if you attend the reunion, you might find your formerclassmates more mature and pleasant than they were in high school.

Sometimes, a reunion can be helpful to attendees with bad memoriesof high school. You'll see your former tormentors as imperfectadults. You'll measure your successes against their failures. I'mnot advising you to go to the reunion, necessarily, but if you do,you could find vindication and closure there.

Write Zazz (Box 3455, Chicago 60654) or e-mail(zazz@suntimes.com). Zazz Bash questions or tickets: (312) 321-3010.